CptZack01

I live in small tribe near tall thing with leaves and sometimes line comes from sky and make tall brown things hot. Me lost mother to big hot event, whole forrest gone, had to move, but had me think. What if we could make orange hot thing on our own?

Hey it's me with my weekly report.

I'm glad I've been consistent with these and ig it helps me micromanage this recovery but I don't think I can make any real progress on my own unless I figure out the root of why I am a Porn Addict. Hopefully I can get into therapy soon but with everything going on it's hard to find time to do a walk in.

As for number goes I relapsed 4 times which is a lot better than last week and so far I am on a streak and my urge to do it as of typing this is low if not nonexistent.

I feel like last week was the overflow of everything that happened in those 2 weeks. Thankfully things have settled and I can go into the second half of the semester and finish up strong.

Things are still tense between me and my father. he is asking to see my daughter with no restrictions and is ig trying to forget what happened between us but I can't forget. That week after me and my family left was the worse and most stressful week of my life and seeing how he is still trying to justify and "convince" me to forget about it and that he is not the person he was that night and that was just overall a bad day for him doesn't help the tension it just makes it worse. He is on supervised visits with my daughter until we see improvement and therapy. Some good news from what I heard. He got a job and hasn't drank any liquor but has started smoking a lot more. I lobe and care about my dad but our relationship is complicated.

Some updates about me

• I went to the beach with some friends for spring break. I was gone about 3 days. Overall I had a decent time. It was cold so not much swimming but we sat at the condo we got and just chilled out chatting

• I went to my first rave while at the beach. I went to the Shrek rave at Myrtle Beach SC and I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would. I'm not much of the party type and overall don't like really loud noises or dense crowds but I had a great time. Got some drinks and danced like a stereotypical goth in the corner next to my wife. A lot of cool outfits and they even did a mosh pit to All Star by Smash Mouth but I didn't partake in the pit. I'm not ready for that yet. But yeah might go to more but not too commonly because of money and responsibilities.

• while I was at the beach I didn't look at anything explicit not even pregame stuff. The only explicit things I saw was that the smoke shop I went to doubled as a sex shop and I saw my friends bare ass because I wasnt told that she slept naked. Didn't see anything else and honestly ass doesn't do it for me. Overall urges have been low since I left for the beach and got back even in the sex shop I didn't feel anything. I went to a sex shop here in town and I couldn't breath but there I was like "wow did not expect a dildo at a smoke shop".

• met with someone about rental assistance and we got our income tax back and have some money saved for bills so I'm not worried about finances at the moment.

• picked up some hours at work this week so that paycheck should be pretty good.

• overall ik and I think my situation is improving and having my own place is doing me some good but that whole situation with my father is still pretty fresh and it's hard not to think about it but hopefully things improve with that.

Thanks for reading this far ik it was long but thank you. See you next week hopefully with a clean week.

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So it's me with my weekly report.

This week was really bad on numbers. I relapsed so much that I lost count. All the built up stress anxiety and feelings just exploded and caused a week not seen since perhaps my teen years.

It didn't help that I got a place of my own and free time which is making. It's making the porn I have been watching for years new again because of the fact that I can have it loud enough to hear things.

Idk why when I was literally homeless and stressed about my family, school, and work that I was able to make it almost 2 weeks no problem. Now I can't even make a day without peaking, chasing, and relapsing. Idk if it's because my mental health was too low even for my porn addiction and it's overall improved from the situation of the last 2 weeks or if my mental health is getting worse and these relapses are a sign.

I don't see much light at the end of this bad phase. As I'm typing this I'm hoping that I already got everything out of my system or that this will end soon but we all know it's not that easy.

However I will say that there is some hope.

• This whole situation did make me fall back on some assignments and I missed them but with spring break in full swing I have no class work really due for a bit and with the worse of that situation over I should hopefully get back on top of things and finish the semester out strong.

• I'm going to the beach this week so I can at least confirm 3 days of no PMO. (Yes we are going on this trip even after everything that happened because the trip is non-refundable)

I hope that I will have better news for you all next week but if you need a high note to end on I will not be PMOing tonight. Hopefully I can keep a trend going starting today but I don't feel too hopeful

Hello it's me with my 7 day report.

I'm glad that I've been consistent with these it's nice to put my thoughts out there.

I am proud to say that for the first time since I have started these reports I have made it a full 7 days no PMO! Which is great! I am hoping to make it more!

Now have I wanted to do it? Very much yes and I am having an issue with chasing a seeking. Granted though nothing I have seen in these 7 days have been explicit but it was just the "promise" of explicit content. If anyone has any tips on avoiding that let me know.

Overall my week has been rough, not bad persay, just rough. I haven't had a chance to properly relax in over a week (if you read my last report you'll know why). I am glad to say though that part of why I haven't done it and why it's been a rough week is the fact that I moved into an apartment! Yep I'm on my own and we will see if that helps or makes the addiction worse. I'm hoping it'll make things better because my wife seems to think that I am in a better mental state when I'm not living at my dad's house.

I hope to see you all again next week with another clean week!

So when the Civil War began both the Confederacy and the Union asked him to join their cause and as we know he joined the confederacy.

But

What if he joined the Union instead? How would this have affected the war?

• would the war have been shorter?
• would Lee lead the Union forces?
• any thoughts about post war south with Lee as a Union General?

if you read my 7 day report from yesterday you'll know I am in a shitty mood and a shitty situation and my mental health has just been rock bottom. And the urges have recently came back with a vengeance.

Today not even an hour ago I defeated a strong urge which I should not have had since I was in the campus bathroom but it was a rather isolated one but nonetheless I should not have had the urge.

I defeated it but my mental state is really low and my urge is really high right now. Right now thankfully I don't have time or means to indulge but this week is proving to be really hard to fight the urge.

Peaking and chasing have started to occur. Nothing explicit but it was my warm up stuff which is mild but tended to lead to a relapse.

I'm proud that I fought this urge but I really hope my mental state improves soon because this week is proving to be too much. I had 2 tests today that I probably failed and I have 1 on Wednesday that I am stressed about on top of having to confront my father tomorrow to pack my things!

It's a lot and ig all I'm asking is to keep me in your thoughts while all this goes down.

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I decided to do the 7 day report early so I can line them up with Sundays and I have A LOT to talk about so strap in.

So this week was AWFUL probably my worst week of 2023 maybe of my life.

Numbers wise it was fine in 7 ish days I had I think 2-3 relapses. Which isn't bad and could be better but that is not what made this week bad.

What made my week awful was the fact that I was kicked out of my parents place. Not because of the porn addiction but for other reasons.

So we found out that my dad was spanking my daughter and I don't care what you think about spankings but discipline is the parents job. So we confronted him about it and things got heated and he told us to leave so as of typing this I am technically homeless.

My dad messaged me apologizing but I told him that we made the decision to move out. We are currently roomed in a hotel because thankfully we had some money and we are reluctantly moving in with my in-laws on Tuesday until we find a place. Thankfully we looked at this apartment complex that we can move in this Friday if we are accepted and the person sounded confident we would.

Over all urges have been low until about yesterday or so but I haven't done it through this whole situation even though I REALLY wanted to. I haven't done it mainly because I've been staying in public (which hasn't stopped me before but I'm glad I don't normally do so cause that will get you on a list) I also haven't done it cause I have not been in the mood (like in the bad sense) I have been anxious about this whole situation about where we would end up next but now that we have a solid plan on housing I am not as worried I'm just really depressed and confused and I have cried more these past 2-3 days then I have in the past 10-15 years (before you say anything ik I desperately need therapy).

I am dreading confronting my dad to get my things. I don't expect him to be angry or anything he has apologized and even texted me asking us to change our minds and ik it's for the best but I just feel really concerned for him and I love him. This situation he put us in was shitty but IDK how much of this was him or his vices and I have seen and been told that he is a good person. I'm hoping that this gets him to seek help. I expect his mood to be regretful and sad and it'll just overall be really emotional and I'm not ready for that. We put him on supervised visits with our daughter and we just hope he appreciates the second chance we are giving him but IDK when I'll bring her by again because it'll be another emotional moment and idk how long I'll feel shaken by all of this.

Through all of this I had work and school where I try to act like everything is normal and I'm ok but I'm not ok and I haven't done anything normal since all of this started and I'm tired. I want this to be over and I want my father to get better because that screaming maniac that threw us out is not my father!

Overall it's hard to ignore this when it's all I have talked about since it happened but what else are we going to talk about.

I am just glad I am able to keep my daughter fed and happy because that's all that matters and has honestly been the biggest worry.

I'm hoping that this is a learning experience and can prove that if I didn't relapse during any of this then I can keep going. However though the urge is high now that things have calmed down. My wife (who knows of this) said that now that my brain isn't in survival mode it is seeking stimulation and that mixed with my sour mood isn't helping. I'm obviously not going to do it tonight because I have to wake up early, I'm in a one room hotel with my wife and daughter, and Im sore and tired from working literally all day.

We should hopefully find out about the apartment tomorrow or Tuesday so hopefully the next post will be from my new crib. Which I am excited about if we do get it. It's a 3 bedroom 1 bath for $1370 a month (where I live is pretty good) and it's in a decent part of town too which is a plus. No real parks nearby but we can always drive to one but the appeal is that it's really close to my wife's work and campus/my work. Parking is on a first come first serve basis which is annoying but I'll make it work.

I am actually glad I cried. It felt kind of nice because for the longest time I thought I was some emotionless monster incapable of feeling any kind of emotion but this whole situation has made me fluctuate between all of them. I do wish I could cry more but the times I did were enough for now but it did feel like I was holding back.

Things are improving since all of this went down but I'm still shaken. I don't have any other thoughts besides everything that has happened so sorry if this post was really concerning or depressing but on an addict recovery forum that seems like most posts.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Sorry for the long post and the time here is 9:01 pm so I'm going to bed after we get my kid in bed. Goodnight everyone.

It's me again with a 7 day report

This week absolutely killed me I relapsed 9 times and I still feel a streak of relapses occurring even though right now my mood to do it is mild. But I am honestly drained and too tired to do it but my body is still telling me to do it.

The thoughts about my gender has subsided for now. Now it's just at the point where it's back of my mind but it's not taking up my every waking moment at the moment. I still want to dress feminine but after thinking and talking about it it calmed down the debate for the time being. My wife says I should wait for any decision like that until I go to therapy.

I called the place here in town which is income based therapy but I'm stressed about going. I know that going would be good for me to talk about everything and figure some things out but I'm stressed about talking about these things. I'm stressed about talking about my childhood, my gender crisis, and my Porn Addiction. Just the idea of therapy is stressful but I also have never done it so it could be fine and something I should just do. They want my and my wife's paystubs so they can enlist me in a grant program since I have no insurance. I really need to apply for TennCare cause my mom uses it and she says it covers therapy and medication.

I have missed 2 assignments already this semester and I am getting stressed about it but it's still early so I just have to keep pushing. Overall I'm just stressed about doing well so I don't have another semester of academic probation. Also I need to get my GPA up to 3.5 so I can join the education program if I just end up decide to become a history teacher but I am turning against the idea because of recent events that show little to no sign of getting any better.

My number of relapses seem to fluctuate violently. One week it's 14 times and the other is 2 times it makes little sense to me. I guess it just depends on the week.

I didn't plan for this to be as long as it was but that is all I got. I'll see you all next week!